Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
You Might Also Like
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”