Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”