Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

aura

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”