Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

🤣🤣🤣

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

#Caturday

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside