Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
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Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie