Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Pizza is an emotion right?

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

No, you’re not getting it your honor

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad