Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
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About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
that would 100% work on me
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The Weeknd is back
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?