Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
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[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”