Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
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Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one