Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings