Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Anime is real
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.