Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids