Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

What the dentist sees

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards.

He said not now.

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

*mops up wine with cat*

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.