Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your best mate counts as a desk too

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

#merica

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid: