Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall