Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Spring cleaning checklist…

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

👍

Good advice.

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

Greeting humans vs their dogs

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.