oh you wanna fight?!
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me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
They’re the worst 😩
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
#Caturday
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
Wait a second…
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.