oh you wanna fight?!
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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
decorating my apartment
