Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
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He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”