Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
smh
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I self medicate, therefore you live.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer