Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

How software testing works

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.