octopus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy
Oh, you want to know if I’m a good kisser?
*puts cherry stem in mouth*
*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*
You Might Also Like
It’s important to make her feel wanted…
….so I called the cops on her.
Do you wanna hold hands?
– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.
ME: thereâ€™s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means
THEM: werewolf Jesus?
ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead