Oh, you want to know if I’m a good kisser?

*puts cherry stem in mouth*

*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*

You Might Also Like


It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.


Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.


ME: there’s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means



THEM: werewolf Jesus?

ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus


Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.


Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second


Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.


“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead