@Gooooats

Oh, you want to know if I’m a good kisser?

*puts cherry stem in mouth*

*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*

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@better_off_dad2

It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.

@Sleinso

Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.

@portmanteauface

ME: there’s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means

THEM:

ME:

THEM: werewolf Jesus?

ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus

@mjmimages

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

@MelvinofYork

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

@ceejoyner

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

@brennadine

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead