When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes