Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
You Might Also Like
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this