Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Catering service

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.