Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

ㅤ

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

(more comics:

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes