Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley