Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
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me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My boss called in sick of me
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
me as a parent
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.