Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Yes, this is exactly right

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?