Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

oh shit

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…