Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
You Might Also Like
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!