Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
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H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
DOOO EEEET
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
This is my brand.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
selena gomez
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
