Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
You Might Also Like
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Cat.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!