Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
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Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.