Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
We’ve all been there…
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
We like the way Dwight thinks
