Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Okay, I’m still confused…
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
this chia pet tastes awful
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.