Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
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Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone