Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
You Might Also Like
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom