Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I’d … I’d rather not.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
