Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.