Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work


There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.


Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit


I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.


We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.


Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.


independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas