@DaddyJew

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

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@iwearaonesie

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

@sammyrhodes

There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.

@dumbbeezie

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

@Dawn_M_

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

@JustBeingEmma

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

@MantisBlue

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

@electrolemon

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas