Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I’m putting together a team
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect