Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
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My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
this got me crying😭😭
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”