Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
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idk what he going thru but i feel him
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Effort made
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*