Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
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Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me