Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
You Might Also Like
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
My biological clock is wheezing.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
what?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?