Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box