Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.