Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Quadruple digit IQ

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

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Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.