Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”