Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
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No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho