Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
You Might Also Like
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows