Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
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This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.