Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
live, laugh, laundry.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence