Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Pat is about to own someone

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

For the ones in the back.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.