Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly