Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The honesty is refreshing
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*