Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
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I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery