Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
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Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Super Hand Dog Face
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Beep beep
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Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
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