Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth