My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
LMAO
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”