Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Damn what did I do next
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.