Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
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Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
