Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

*puts my mental health in rice

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.