Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

wait.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??