Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
⛄️
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
satan: not today, microsoft teams
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right