Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
You Might Also Like
So sick of all these stupid rules
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”