@lilgapeach30

Oh you’re a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes.

Can’t believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.

You Might Also Like

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

@PinkCamoTO

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

@LostFelicia

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

@skittle624

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

@EndhooS

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

@ThisLocalHater

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

@OBiiieeee

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL