At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep