They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
This will never not be funny 😭
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.