Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

there’s music for literally every activity

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

[on my way back to the posting caves]

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

calling in to work dehydrated

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.