oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods![]()
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E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves