Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that