Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
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Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”