Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
You’ll be OK
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?