Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
You Might Also Like
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way