Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
You Might Also Like
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?